I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
