Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize