toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize