You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
