im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
