New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
