Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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