Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
