Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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