i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
