You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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