not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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