Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
