my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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