wakey wakey hands off snakey
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
