Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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