i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
