Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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