It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
