just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
