u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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