Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I met the friendliest cop last night
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
