i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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