I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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