I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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