Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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