the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
