You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
