....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
