Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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