Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
