Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
