Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
