Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
