Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
