I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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