We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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