the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
