I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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