she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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