Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
