Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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