im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
