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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

  (757): View more from Virginia

  your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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• (210): View more from Texas

  Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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• (940): View more from Texas

  An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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• (949): View more from California

  Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game

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• (607): View more from New York

  I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

  (315): View more from New York

  I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.

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