It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
