I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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