It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize