I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
