Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
