you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
