Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
