that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
