I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
