I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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