Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
